The Traditional Way Didn’t Work for Me
From what I’ve seen mindfulness tends to not deal with our subconscious emotions, with our childhoods, with childhood conditioning & trauma.
I found spiritual teachers just don’t talk about it at all really. They nearly all not trained in the emotional world. Only one was interested in psychotherapy or clinical psychology. I also found their personal experience of their subconscious to be extremely limited. Strange, in the light of what happened to me…
The Path I Walked
I was lucky enough to do mindfulness in a very open pure way, & with no spiritual ‘teachers’ or anyone else ‘spiritual’ around. I practiced hard alone. So I didn’t get any of the “teaching” that spiritual teachers spout forth. So off I went, hours a day.. sitting, movement practice, trying to be kind to my self…
My practice was very different from the traditional way. I made my practice the unconditional allowing into awareness of everything that’s there, without control. This led to my emotions coming out in an uncontrolled & overwhelming way as my unconditional awareness grew….
Me falling to Bits For 4 Years
After just a few months of intense practice, aged just 19, I experienced a shocking intensification of the senses. Most people would call it a ‘nervous breakdown’. Psychiatrists may have diagnosed it as Schizophrenia. I fell to bits. Luckily I was stupid enough not to see any link between my breakdown & doing intense meditation practice. My mindfulness gurus all said it makes you peaceful. Yes there was the rare vague mention of dark nights of the soul & difficulties. But none of them really talked about emotions much. They just said over and over the way to deal with them is to observe and not act out of them.
So I fell to bits, for the next 4 & a half years. I no longer knew who I was, as my “self” became fractured in true “psychotic-like” style. I ‘knew’ I was becoming schizophrenic. Yet I did not relate this to sitting and opening. I just thought I’m not doing it right and I need to sit more. So I did, which opened my awareness more. And coincidentally I became more & more “schizophrenic” & emotionally without control. For 4 and a half years!
As time passed & I became more aware that in my emotional state I felt small, child-like. I began to make connections between my extremely unhappy childhood & my feelings. I was also haunted by memories & feelings of past lives. Alongside all this, I began to feel more & more ok with me being how I feel. And paradoxically more & more aware of my inner fundamental total lack of self worth. I didn’t even feel I deserved to be human.
Finally age 24 I hit the core of my emotional terror. A 1-month old baby being totally emotionally abandoned by his mother, never to return. I screamed & screamed & surrendered into the unbearable fear & hurt, until I no choice but to let go. I fell out the bottom of my world into space and waited for death.
5 days later I woke up, & knew I was unconditionally loved by the Universe.
I was home. I had found the place I had been searching for.
This experience has stayed with me and never left.